Temporary Bandage-A Poem of Contemplation

Time stands still
As I wait on the other side
To finally hold you again
If I could forget my loss
Long enough to remember
All that you had been

Trivial tokens mean so much
Once the passing of you
Became so resolute 
Denial kept me hidden
Pretending you weren't gone
Often took root

Focusing on anything else
Temporary bandages
Meant to alleviate the pain
But nothing can fix
The broken remnants
Of what I used to gain

Translucent memories
Shifting through my mind
Like sand in an hourglass
Tried to weave through it
But not enough moments
To help with the past

Looking for comfort
From all those that offer
But nothing can aid
Only the one who created
Who holds us all
Can end the suffrage made

One day we will be reunited
And in that moment
Oh the joy I will feel
For you are waiting for me
As I am waiting for you
Oh, to be able to wholly heal

Absence (reflection from a broken heart)

I thought we would have
More time than we did
You should be here with me
That's how it should be
But every day
I have to live with how it is
Living without you
Is the hardest thing
I have ever had to do
I feel like I am holding my breath
Because I'm scared all the time
Ever since I lost you
I don't know who I am anymore
You were my everything
My sun and my moon
I don't want to be broken
But I don't know how to be whole
The very core of me
Has been ripped away
What do you do
When the love of your life dies?
Everywhere I go
You should be there
I look around and think
Can't anyone see me
Dying inside?
I go through the motions
Of living this life
Hoping one day
I won't feel so destroyed
But all I feel is left behind
And forced to face life
With you no longer here
I'm tired of life being this hard
All I want to do
Is crawl up into your blanket
And let the world melt away
Sometimes I wonder
Will this be the thing that breaks me?
Will your death be my undoing?
I don't want
My strength to turn to stone
I don't want
For you to be gone
I want you here in my arms
The moment I saw you
I knew you would change me
Forever
But I didn't think
It would be like this
You may be absent
From this world
But you will always be
The center of my heart
I love you
No matter if I live
Another 50 years
Nothing will erase
The memory of you

A Well of Happiness

Often, people can say that they shared the last few days of the lives of someone important to them. I have had this experience twice in my life but what makes this special time I spent with each of them so rare is that they had the best moments of their lives right before the end. I never knew how important those days would become to me once they were gone.

The first person was my grandmother. For several years, my mother was a single mom and my grandmother helped raise me. We were very close because of all the grandkids, I was the most like her. She helped pay for me to go to college and when it came time to graduate, my grandmother, even though she was 86 and could no longer walk, made it a point to attend my graduation. I was going to a private Christian college near Santa Cruz, Ca. My mother picked up my grandmother in May of 2001 and along with my dad and brother, they drove the four hours to come spend the weekend with me. We went to the Santa Cruz beach boardwalk and my grandmother was overwhelmed with joy because it brought back wonderful childhood memories. After a fun-filled day of eating taffy and looking at the sights, we went out to eat and she had her favorite meal, scallops. The next day, she attended my graduation and later in the evening, we took her home, tenderly tucked her into bed before she said a special prayer over our family. It was the last time anyone would ever see my grandmother alive. She passed away that night, peacefully, in her sleep. That was the most beautiful weekend of my life until recently.

 

Which brings me to the second person, my 9-month-old son, Dylan. We decided to go on family vacation in March of 2014. We hadn't been to Disneyland in a few years and thought our older daughters and our infant son could both enjoy going there. We also decided to include a day at the Zoo and SeaWorld. Dylan was all smiles, he loved the characters at Disneyland, especially Stitch who he giggled at and hugged unlike any child I have ever seen. He loved the tram ride around the zoo and cried out in surprise when the water splashed him at SeaWorld. I didn't know he would never get to go to those places again or that it would become the most precious week of my life. Two days after we returned home from our amazing trip, my son passed away from SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).

 

Both deaths hit me hard in different ways and have left scars that will never go away. But those memories of that irreplaceable time with my loved ones, help me by reminding me that they were happy while they were here and I was blessed to be able to share their most special and last moments with them. It's a well of happiness I can draw from until I see them again in heaven.