Monday, July 20, 2015

Lost Today Without You

I miss you so much today. Not sure why it's hitting so hard. Maybe it's because I've been dreaming about you again. When I wake up, all I can do is think about you. You're always there, haunting me in the background but on the really hard days, you are in the very forefront of my thoughts. I wish I didn't feel a pang of sadness when I think of you. The pain is so deep I feel like my heart is going to explode from the hurt. I want to remember the good times: how happy you were when you were here but it seems impossible when all I can do is feel the overwhelming loss. I didn't think this would be my life or that such a permanent wound would live inside me. Is this to be MY thorn in MY side? I think of Paul and hope to have the same courage he did when his thorn was not removed. He lived with it for the rest of his life and managed not only to survive but thrive. God help me to do the same. Help me to seek you, not look to myself. Help me to focus on what I have, not what I've lost. Help me to trust you, not give in to fear. Help me be your vessel, not shut down. Today has been hard. I'm not going to deny the bad days but I'm also not going to give in to them. I want to honor you, be the person you could be proud of. I love you, always, forever. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing could ever change that. You are, at my very core, the most important part of me. I guess that makes it normal then that I think about you all the time. How could it be any different when someone holds such a special place. Until I see you again,I will be thinking of you today and always.

4 comments:

  1. I have found your words so heartbreakingly honest & comforting & scarey. We lost our 8 month old beautiful healthy & happy boy Riley to sids on 28/07/2015 . 79 days ago. My world is shattered. I like you have 2 older children aged 9 & 5 . Riley was our world centre. I miss him and long for him each moment & it hurts so much.
    Do not know how to get through each day -
    Amanda

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    Replies
    1. It is the most difficult thing you will ever go through and you never get past it, just learn to live with it. Today I buried my father who died at 57 suddenly with no explanation. It's hard but I have to give both losses to God every day just to make it through.

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  2. Thank you Jenna. I am so sorry for the loss of your father.
    You are so right the pain does not ease just becomes part of who you are. I try to be strong for our other children but that is sometimes very hard. And to top off my fears I am 10 weeks pregnant. We tried so hard for our Riley & my other son & this has happened without a thought. In fact I had decided to have no more children as I could no go through any more heartache so it has been a huge shock on top of the constant sadness. Very confusing having so much heartache & trying to have some sort of hope for the future.
    My thoughts are with you & your family while you navigate another sudden loss. Again thank you for sharing your thoughts. You write with such honesty. I have told some other mums involved with SIDS in Australia about your blog & you provide us all with some comfort on bad days.
    Amanda

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  3. Thank you Jenna. I am so sorry for the loss of your father.
    You are so right the pain does not ease just becomes part of who you are. I try to be strong for our other children but that is sometimes very hard. And to top off my fears I am 10 weeks pregnant. We tried so hard for our Riley & my other son & this has happened without a thought. In fact I had decided to have no more children as I could no go through any more heartache so it has been a huge shock on top of the constant sadness. Very confusing having so much heartache & trying to have some sort of hope for the future.
    My thoughts are with you & your family while you navigate another sudden loss. Again thank you for sharing your thoughts. You write with such honesty. I have told some other mums involved with SIDS in Australia about your blog & you provide us all with some comfort on bad days.
    Amanda

    ReplyDelete